The real love story is between Chris Pine and Tom Hardy. They compare penis size. They walk away from hot ladies to beat the shit out of guys while gazing into each others’ eyes. Pine is told they have work to do. A German with a giant chin steps into the room. “Yes we do”, he says, while trying to conceal his boner. The two men talk about love and commitment – you know what guys actually talk about? Nothing, that’s what. Hardy’s character actually says “I would take a bullet for you, I love you, you know… you know what we have, together… don’t you want that with a woman?” Of course, Pine answers in the negative. Oh, and they go on a date together and Hardy meets Pine’s mother.

Even the inevitable fight between them brims with sexual tension, while any makeout scene with the girl is more awkward and forced than the explanation any guy in the audience will have for their date about where their erection came from. And look at the leads. Witherspoon has the sexual dynamism of a concrete block. Meanwhile, Pine and Hardy are pinup material. Pine gives off a vibe that suggests that he is rather flexible in these matters. And Tom Hardy is… well, every man in the audience of his films is bisexual by definition. I’d give the man an enthusiastic handjob, and I’m not even gay. I think.